Waiting for Warren

The recent weeks have had some ups and downs. On the upside, Marc & I snuck off for a long weekend in Hawaii and he surprised me with a beautiful ring. I started a new job at the same company - which is a good move, yet stressful as I get up to speed. Then we completed a grueling 1/2 marathon with 2400 ft of elevation gain/loss. My ego felt great, but it wasn't able to help me up and down the stairs the last few days. My legs were less thrilled with the accomplishment.

Through this, I've found I've been thinking more of my brother Warren. I haven't had the urge to call him, but wish he could know what I've been doing. Normally mom would have given him updates and he and I might try to find a day to have lunch.

I feel more in denial that I did right after his death. I don't want to accept that he's dead. My father asked who I'd like to have at my birthday lunch and I couldn't include Warren & Beth. It isn't an option. He's been with me for most of the last 30+ birthdays and now he's not.

I feel my brain struggling with the concept of death. What is this not here stuff? What does it mean? Why did he die? How is it possible? Logical answers don't help me with these questions. I want an explanation from the universe - why are we here? Why isn't Warren here? Where did he go?

There just aren't answers. I am hoping my need for them eventually diminishes.