Sorrow

On Nov. 3rd, my big brother, Warren, took his own life.
It doesn't make sense. I'm not sure it ever will. Just a week prior he was off happily hiking in the mountains with his wife. Then he crashed and we couldn't save him.
The pain of losing him runs deeper than I thought possible. And I hadn't seen him since July. I did get a voicemail that I'm going to have saved. He said, "oh, and I Love You." at the end. We weren't close and that doesn't seem to matter. He was supposed to grow old with me. He was supposed to tell me how to better raise my kids (not that he'd know, having decided long ago that he wouldn't have any - and I don't have any yet).
Now I have a new marker... no longer does my time start with the birth of Christ. I mark things by his death. On Tuesday it was, He's been dead 1 week. Today it is 10 days since he died. Soon we'll have 1 month. After my birthday, it will be about 4 months. People keep saying, "the holidays will be tough." and "It gets easier with time." I'm still waiting for the 24 hours without tears maker.
At first I didn't want it to get easier. I wanted to hold on to the pain, as anything less might mean I want or even feel OK with forgetting him. Then a wonderful man suggested I try to think of how Warren would want me to remember him. And I also heard Warren whispering, "Jen, don't be so emotional. Be rational." He'd be so critical of me if I were to be trapped in darkness from his death. I don't think he ever understood how I could be so distressed over relationships or emotional things.
This morning was the first time I could wake up and not be sad. For the first few days, waking and sleeping were the hardest times - followed by driving. Those were the times I had to be alone. After a week, the grief moved into daily things. I tried to go to work - just for some distraction. However, my mind has been utterly unable to focus. I forget things. I start something and am so easily distracted. I don't know how I was able to finish the Open Enrollment at the office. My lists of To Do are so basic, I nearly include, "brush your teeth" on them. Don't ask me what the date is, I have no idea.
The shock has worn off and so far I'm stuck with the thought, "I want my brother back!" fills the pauses in the day. At those times I try to return to how he'd want me to remember him. He'd want me to remember how he took me to breakfast after my last break-up. He wanted to comfort me, but, for once, I didn't need it. I was touched that he tried. I remember our lunches where we'd but heads over our life choices... he thought I should be more like him, I thought he should be more like me. He had such a laser focus on life. My laser didn't have a focus, more it resembled the night sky in a planetarium. I have always struggled with a little jealousy and a little disdain for how he so early on found his passion and then did only that. Reading the blog will memories of him, he was so lucky to be able to fill his days with exactly his passion - Science & computers. That's all he needed. He never struggled with the question, "What should I do with my life?" He knew and he acted - and science has been blessed by the results.
I love you, too Warren.
I wish I never knew of your scientific achievements. I wish I just knew the brother who I loved and disparaged. The genius who I could feel superior to when I called to remind you to get a card & gift for Mom's birthday. Did you remember this year? I did.
I wish you were here. I just can't imagine how life will be without you.

One Week, Two Towers

I got home today from a long, exhausting week.
Starting backward - At 4 AM this morning I woke up in Toronto. At 7 AM we were pulling away from the gate. I had upgraded to Economy Plus and even scored a bulkhead. Things were going good, until a frazzled mother of 3 children settled in behind me. She put her youngest little one behind me in a special seat that gave the tiny devil the 5 extra inches his legs needed to kick my chair. Clearly he wasn't happy about the arrangement, as he wailed and kicked on several occasions. I do believe he slept for about an hour - I took advantage of the silence. However he did awaken, poop himself (I'm guessing that was where the poop smell came from) and mom took him to the bathroom for a clean-up, giving me an extra 5 minutes of snoozing before the next round of kicking and wailing.
Having recently finished A Year Of Living Biblically, and thinking of how the author won a battle with his wee-one in a mature & biblical way. I did jerk around during one of his fits and caught eye contact with his mother. She knew what was going on and was doing her best to keep the kid under control. I could just tell that saying something would only frustrate her without getting us any closer to a more settled child. So I let it be thinking, "I'm sure I once kicked the crap out of chair when I was that small. Life comes full circle."
Eventually I opened the window just to see Yosemite go by - we flew just North of Half-Dome and I looked down to think, "I'm going to be there in 3 days!"

Friday was a good day. I didn't quite get in a work-out as planned. Having had my first full night sleep in 2 days, I traded the tread mill for for an extra 30 minutes of sleep. Work had piled up since my long trip to Toronto, and I wanted to get to the most urgent before spending the morning on a critical team building exercise on Lake Ontario. I won't bore you loyal reader with the details of the meeting.

Friday afternoon I took a lovely walk from my Westin Harbour Castle across the downtown to the Royal Ontario Museum (ROM). Lovely walk through the downtown to the University of Toronto where the ROM sits. I did check online and found that they had some discount program for Friday night, so there was a line out front. I enjoyed standing in it. I got handed a flyer by some passerby about the exhibition which happened to be on display - The Dead Sea Scrolls.

I thought we were done with the hubbub about the Dead Sea Scrolls. And I was right. What I didn't realize was that some Palestinian group believes they are the rightful property of Palestine and must be returned. In fact there were maybe 10 protesters. The flier they handed me stated that the scrolls had been in the East Jerusalem museum until their "unrightful theft" by Israel. What did I think? These scrolls have been safe & touring since their "theft". The scrolls are a bit of history - and unrivaled and precious gift. Why would we let that be in the care of a unstable government? Islamic extremists blew up statues of the Buddha, what would we put these treasures in their hands? I'm for holding on to the treasures securely in the west until the trouble in the middle east simmers down.

The scroll exhibit was fantastic. It took a call with Marc later in the evening to recall why they were so important... the text of the bible hasn't always been fixed. There were edits and different versions along the way. Next to it, I also got to see the Egyptian Book of the Dead, mummies and a lovely collection of Hellenistic Pottery. However, the end of the museum visit had to be the best - eating at their top floor restaurant. I dined on lamb with eggplant puree, something like hummus with tabbouleh. Stunning combination and I reflected that those who amassed the dead sea scrolls probably didn't dine this finely back 2000 years ago.

More later. We've got dinner to cook.

Green Monsters

Two interesting articles (Thanks Mark Morford!)

First, my feeling that the Federal Organic Label was BS has been vindicated. Strange how I just knew that the "organics" at Safeway weren't right and I've even had some questions about Trader Joe's when it comes down to it. Evidently, the Federal Regulators have been swayed by the Food Industry and foods labeled USDA Organic have synthetic stuff in them. Ick!

Like the Hebrew Kosher labels, I need an Organic Label I can trust. I do trust Whole Foods, yet I would like to have a holy of holy Organic Label created & issued by an organization that I trust who clearly defines what it calls Organic; clearly stating what is pesticide free, what is free range and such.

The USDA - eh? Their concerns: "The market's expansion is fueling tension over whether the federal program should be governed by a strict interpretation of "organic" or broadened to include more products by allowing trace elements of non-organic substances" Yikes.

Next - While I'm not going to feed these things to my worms, here's a list of 75 things you can compost. Who knew? And I'm not sure I want the contents of my vacuum bag added to the worms who will produce compost that I'll put on my organic garden. Yeah, but I do have 2 compost piles - the organic & the not-so-organic. The not-so-organic will get used in the garden on things that don't go into the food chain, while the strictly organic will get infused into the veggie patch.

So go forth and be green!

Finding Time

I used my East Coast Lunch Break to walk the dogs today. The last time they had gotten out for a stretch of the paw was Saturday. I feel terrible. They hang out all day with us. They look at us with those longing eyes. How can I be so neglectful?

However with the summer heat, the dog walking window has shrunk. By 10 AM the temperatures pass 80 degrees, which I enjoy. However, their fur coats do limit their enjoyment of the sun. So the walk has to happen first thing or at the end of the day.

The end of the day poses problems. Sunday we were crashing from a long, fun friend filled weekend. Yesterday I didn't come home until 10, as I got invited to dinner with Ilyse and friends. We did have a lovely time, enjoying chatting & curry in the Richmond District. However, the four-of-paw were left out of the good times.

The last week has been a non-stop run of friends & fun. Thursday we briefly saw Aaron. We saw Greg while loading my furniture into the U-Haul. Saturday Shawn celebrated her birthday with friends & family. Sunday Jen & baby joined us for amazing pancakes. I got in a chat with Gail before old friends Kairi visited with her daughter & husband. Yesterday I had time with Liz -shopping for a B-day gift for Hil's, then dinner with Ilyse, Matt & friends. Fun and exhausting. And I know there are so many others I didn't get to have time with, and are on the horizon. I think making time for friends would be a lovely full time job - not sure how I'd pay the mortgage, eat and fuel the mini - but fun!

Today may be quieter.

More Growth on the Way

After letting the dirt settle from the De-Corn-ification, I felt ready to plant this weekend. I decided that I would need to let my seedlings eat or grow, so I pulled out the two remaining cauliflower/broccoli plants and put in a row of mystery Arugula/Beet plants. I'm hoping they take and don't get devoured as my little basil did.

I also put some basil in dirt and am hoping to grow it as well. Part of this weekend's efforts included a massive tomato harvest. Yesterday, from the harvest, I made divine tomato, basil, garlic pasta sauce. I was so proud when Marc told me it was the first time he's every really liked pasta. So proud!

But I did have to purchase the basil and now, again, I've got a load of basil. With my last two efforts in pesto making being somewhat unsuccessful, I'm thinking of other options for the basil. I still have tomatoes and i'm wondering if I can make some yummy bruchetta.

Also planted this weekend - thanks mom for the seeds! - carrots. My mom has never had luck with carrots so gave me this pack of seeds. She said to take care that the ground stays damp. I probably should have put a layer of mulch over the little seeds, but I was afraid of impeding their potential growth.

Next to the scattering of carrots, I planted a row of sunflowers. I'm not a big sunflower seed eater, however I did read a little article in Sunset Magazine about this: www.greatsunflower.org
I just realized I might not be using the correct type of sunflowers... I'm going to have to go out and find others. We'll see. I have time.

Time does seem to be on my side. However, nature does seem to be moving in. I haven't yet seen another Horn Worm and the Green Looper Caterpillar count is way down - bordering on 0. However, I do find these orange/black bugs that seem to be hanging out near white spots in the leaves. I've been fighting some mite infestations, I will need to do another organic spray-down this weekend. And there seems to be a growing population of spiders - which isn't the worst thing, I just wish they'd eat more of the mites. The ecosystem is evoloving. Along with it, I've had to evolve a doggie guard, as I think Zoe has developed a taste for my fresh from the vine fruit.

All in all, I'm happy with it.

Growing Big Things

Sunday I pulled out the two rows of corn. Friday I had harvested 2 ears and boiled them up, only to find that they were as hard as plastic. I searched on the web for the story behind why my corn would be like rock and learned that it was due to my harvesting too late.

Saturday I went out and collected all the corn I could. I hucked it and gave the strings & husks to the worms. After boiling it up, I found that about half of it was edible. Sad. The corn stalks had grown so tall and were such a point of pride. Too bad they didn't do so well in the production department. They suffered from mites at the end. Black mites which coated the ears like a mold.

Sunday the stalks were chopped down. I cut them up and put them in the pile of unwanted plant remains that is growing in the side yard need the gate in the fence. I felt sad and betrayed. All that love. All that water. Had I failed them or them me?

My attempts at growing seedlings has stalled. Some started and died in the hot sun, despite my watering. Others have found to be tasty nibbles for some unseen, and so far unstoppable, leave nibbler. Of the 20 onion seeds planted, I have 4 small shoots. I can't tell the arugula from the beets, as they both have red stalks for some reason.

The little plants looks too delicate to forcefully relocated into the soil. Then where can I plan them to allow them to thrive? I think they should go where the broccoli/cauliflower runts were. There they can get sun. The space left vacant by the corn has partial shade due to the 6 ft tall tomato plants blocking out the sun.

We'll see where they land.

Race Relations

I just saw this article:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/07/22/gates.arrest.reaction/

A prominent black scholar was arrested, in his home, as a suspect for burglary. Some white woman called in and reported a break-in at the man's address, the police came and arrested the man. Stunning.

Now, this could be a Saturday Night Live skit - but have the break-in be at the white house and poor O'bama getting arrested. Would be quite a statement. Not sure if its funny, as it hits too close to home. The DC Police can make a statement like, "It was an unfortunate and regrettable incident".

Underneath - the head of our Supreme Court states, "The only way to end race discrimination is to stop discriminating." That's working out real well, don't you find? This man has no recourse. He's taken in, booked and harassed - impacting his standing in the community. Impacting his life, as he might have had work he needed to do or time to spend with his family, but instead, the state has taken his time & well being based on race. Imagine this a million times over.

When I was a child, my friend Cheran's mother was a judge. She went to South Africa when there was still apartheid where she got arrested by the police. I think it was due to being a black woman with a camera. When asked what she did, the police didn't believe she was a judge in America. Their bias was so thick, telling them the truth - that a black man owns a mansion in Cambridge or that Amercians might find that blacks are the intellectual equals of whites - doesn't penetrate their thick skulls.

I don't want to be judged by a court who is lead by a man who doesn't understand the impact of being black, latino/a, asian or female in this society. His insulated, posh, caucasian background prevents him from understanding the lumpy impact of the law's uneven application. I am excited to have Sotomeyer on the Supreme Court and to see the influence of her Wise Latina self.