Saturday, June 19, 2010

Where did the Wrinkles Come From?

When I see a photo of myself I immediately check for my flaws. It starts with the expression, am I smiling? Or am I in the middle of saying something, thus appearing like one of those poor crazy people we cross the street to avoid. Are my hands & arms placed in such a way that they don't appear disproportionately large? How is my waist? Turned to look thin and delicate or am I inhaling and buddah belly? But really, is there anything about me that is delicate? I move down to the trouble zone: hips, rear & thighs? Can we crop the shot to eliminate the legs? No, then how about the ankles? I realized, after a photo of me from a beach BBQ last summer that I am NOT to wear flats with a skirt. I MUST have some sort of heel to give my ankles a good form.

These checks have been standard for 35 years... well, maybe not 34. I don't think I started turning the critical eye until I was about 12. So 23 years. Now, suddenly, I've been spotting something I haven't had to look for before: Wrinkles. The weren't there before, I swear it! Recently, like in the last 2 months, they have appeared. With a smile I've got a crease explosion coming out from the corners of my eyes. Even without smiling, there is a tightness in my face that seems to say, one wrong expression and I'm crinkling up like crumpled sheet of paper.

The wrinkles, the "I don't think I'm ever going to have legs to rival Daisy Duke" realization and I'm slidding like a contestant in Wipe Out into the deep dark pool of middle age. They talk about this and there are endless Hallmark cards mocking the fact in Walgreens. Yet, really why am I surprised that it might happen to me. I blinked and I was cast out from my shiny 20-something years and they've put me up against the MILF wall.

What can I do? Botox - I hate to say it is tempting, hell all forms of plastic surgery now seem acceptable and worthwhile. Not the other week my friend with a 6 month old said, "Yep, three years and I'm getting a boob job". That might be overkill before I have children.

Maybe I should just start out with a facial? Get some good face cream. Do eye creams really work? A recent article in the New Yorker suggested that nothing really works for wrinkles. Some treatments do some good for a short period of time... but really, I'm beginning to believe that the best way to deal is to two things. First - get into a job where one's looks do not impact one's employ-ability or income stream. Next, find a mate who won't trade you in when the smile lines persist after the smile is gone.

T.E.A Party Troubles

On today's "Smug-me" trip to the Farmers Market in Brentwood, I found that the local Tea Party had a table set up. They were wearing red shirts and had signs about Federal Fiscal Responsibility.
Seeing them polluting my little liberal haven of eat-local & organic food haven irked me. Where were the for the 8 years of Bush running up the federal budget like a drunken sailor? Where are their anti-war signs? The wars are costing us millions a day. No, only when we decide to invest in our own nation do they suddenly come out of the woodwork and start demanding that we reign in spending. There are no demands that we stop bombing other nations.
What morality can account for their turning a blind eye on spending that results in killing people while motivating them to actively protesting health care for the weak, young & sick? Where are the pastors and priests decrying such behavior as completely contrary to Christ's message?
I want to spit on the Tea Party.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

The Dodgers

Growing up in Palo Alto, it had been suggested that I might want to be either an A's fan or a Giant's fan. Honestly I never mustered the energy to develop any sort of affection for one or the other. They both are plagued by terrible color schemes - I mean, how can the Giants represent the city of the gays with orange & black. I realize that Halloween was the biggest holiday in SF for many years, but really does our team need to dress like a pumpkin through-out the summer?
The A's aren't any better - Green & Yellow? Ick.

So, until I became Duncan's girlfriend back in my early 20's I let baseball be. But he wasn't content with my empathy towards the boys of summer. He did not make me choose between the A's or the Giants. Instead I was instilled with a loathing for the Dodgers. He explained that the Dodgers were against all good things. I liked kittens, the Dodgers hated kittens. They were for cloudy rainy days, I like the sun. They represented all things bad in the world.

About six years later, I did move to Los Angeles. I tried to embrace my new home. I went to a Dodgers game - they were playing the Giants, so it was kinda OK. I ate a Dodgers Dog and was nearly injured in the 3 fights that broke out within 10 seats from me - and I wasn't even seated in the bleachers. Such a contrast to my later experiences at PacBell Park when I moved back... from fist-fights at the Dodgers game to white wine and sushi at the Giant's park.

So, what has prompted me to write this? I have been receiving spam from the Dodgers for the last five years. I've tried to remove myself from their list. I've tried to put them on the black list with no success. They keep trying to invite me to their hateful games, despite moving 400 miles away and pledging allegiance to the Giants. Nothing stops the spam. Duncan was right, the Dodgers are evil.